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People who know me know that I am very open with the fact that I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Not only do I not hide it, I go out of my way to make sure that I tell this to the people who I interact with frequently. It is an integral part of who I am as a person. In order to understand me, you first have to have a basic understanding of what ADD is and what it is not.
I learned that I have Adult ADD around 9-10 years ago. When I was finally clinically diagnosed with it by a Neurologist at the Marshfield Clinic, I did a good amount of reading on the subject. This was a real “A-HA!” moment for me. I finally had an explanation for many of my behaviors and my memories of my childhood. The daydreaming, the hyper-focusing (yes, sometimes it is not a deficit of attention, but a hyper-focus of attention. I think this helps explain my love of Chess), the forgetfulness, the constant unintentional multi-tasking, the inability to finish what I start, etc. I always tell people that ADD is not an excuse for certain behavior. Rather, it is an EXPLANATION of that behavior.
One of the first things that I did when Carrie and I started to seriously consider marriage was to tell her about my ADD and have her read a book called, “10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADD” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis (ISBN #1-57224-434-8 if you are interested). ADD adults tend to have a higher divorce rate than the normal population, so I felt it was important for her to understand me better by reading this book.
One of my weaknesses as an ADD adult is having too many choices. I ask Carrie where she would like to go for dinner. Rather than deciding, she will turn it back on me and say that we could go to place A, place B, place C, place D, or place E. I tend to get frustrated with this, because too many choices confuses me and I have problems figuring it all out. I have asked her to give me 2 or, at the most, 3 choices. And once I choose, please do NOT continue to give me choices!
I see this as a microcosm of people in general. We as a society have been conditioned to “leave all your options open” and not to “burn bridges.” I think we live in a society of too many choices! For the most part, people do all right with this, but I believe there are times where we should close some of our options and burn some of our bridges! We can be our own worst enemy here, because by leaving all these choices open, we complicate our life. We want to study a double major in college and, oh yes, we also have a double minor, too! We want to specialize in one area of study, but we also want to get certified in this other area, too!
Enough, already!
When I was in college, I wanted to be a double major in Instrumental Music Education (band) and also Vocal Music Education (choir). I figured I was “more marketable” with a double major. So off I went, working at my double major when I hit a roadblock. I was not progressing in my piano skills. If you read my most recent blog post here, you know what happened. The piano faculty gave me a letter at the end of my piano jury stating that they did not think that I would ever reach the level of proficiency needed to teach choir.
Since I was not able to keep all my options open, the piano faculty closed one of them for me. It was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Now I could focus on my Instrumental Music major and not end up like my classmate Paul, who spent 8 years in college persuing a degree that I earned in 4 years, and he never did get his degree. He was one math class short when he finally dropped out. Paul went on to a career in radio broadcasting and passed away in 2006.
There comes a time in life when you should burn bridges. There is no way that one person can do it all, be it all, have it all. Some options in life are limited by resources; time, finances, distance. Others are limited by others. As I get older in life, I am more convinced that sometimes it is better to burn bridges in your life. That may be certain people that you need to just cut off from your life. That may be some activities that you should cut off from your life. Sometimes it is possessions.
In our times today, we have too many options. I recently came across this idea recently when I was on Facebook. I had found a former collegue on there, and added him to my friends list. He was someone who, even though we were on opposite sides of the spectrum of beliefs, I still enjoyed knowing.
Big mistake.
Within days, an event occured that he had very strong feelings about. I had made a statement on Facebook that elicited a significant amout of dissent from several people, which I had anticipated. For the most part, I just read what they had to say. But this former collegue was on a crusade. He commented over and over to my post. He sent me private messages justifying his opinions. For the most part, I understood his side of the discussion, but I was unwilling to debate him either privately or publically. I had seen that people were becoming very personal about this issue, and I did not want to ailenate friends and family simply over this issue.
I did respond to one of his private messages, limiting my thoughts to the initial post that I had made. He continued to argue with me on not just that issue, but multiple other issues that were all related to this event that had occurred. Finally, I saw him post on his page that he was very passionate about this issue. He had friends who said that they would just agree to disagree, but he said that he could not do that. He said that if anyone disagreed with him on this issue, that they should just de-friend him on Facebook.
So I did what he asked me to do. I de-friended him.
Burned a bridge.
Besides…I had had enough. Like I said, I was not willing to get in to a public debate about this, because I was not willing to risk severing other relationships over this issue. I did not feel the stakes were so high that entire relationships should be severed over it.
I also laid low for a while on Facebook, and hid myself from a few people until things calmed down. Someday I will un-hide, but for now…..
Sometimes I think that Facebook can be more harmful than helpful. There are reasons why I moved on in life from one place to another, and sometimes I just don’t want to maintain certain relationships for whatever reason. It’s nothing personal….just too much! I sometimes feel like I spend so much time seeing what people are posting on Facebook that I don’t really pay much attention to the people that I am with at that time!
We as a society have too many options. I am now convinced that it is necessary to narrow down these options so I can focus on quality choices instead of a large quantity of choices.
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Who are you? How do you identify yourself? Do you give your name? Do you give your occupation? How do you see yourself?
How you see yourself is CRUCIAL to your success in life. And it is just as crucial that you give considerable thought to who you are as a person. You MUST know who you are…your Identity.
Consider this: Suppose you identify yourself as a model (ok, just pretend for a moment). If you see yourself as a model, what do you concern yourself with? How you look, how you dress, your height, weight, complexion, hair, and every part of how you look. If you put on some weight or lose some weight, even a couple of pounds, it can have a HUGE effect on your self esteem. If you see a blemish, you focus all of your thoughts and efforts on erasing this blemish.
Big problem…day after day, you slowly get older. There are some things you can’t control as you get older. And you know that younger models tend to get hired more than older models. Your self-esteem goes down the tubes.
Or how about this? You are a world-class athlete. You work out every day, making sure that you are in shape. You train every day at your sport. You compete regularly at perform at a top level.
And then, you tear your ACL. Or you break your leg/arm/hand/wrist/ankle (choose one). Suddenly, immediately, you are out of competition for a year. Where’s your self-esteem now? Are you discouraged? Perhaps.
Let’s take a different example. Let’s say that, ever since the 8th grade, you wanted to be a school teacher. You worked hard ever since you were 14 in one particular area of study, achieving excellence at every level. You received top grades, local and state awards and honors all the way through high school. You worked very hard towards your double major. Suddenly, 2 years into your persuit of a double major, you receive a letter from one of the two departments where you are majoring that states that the professors got together and they do not think you will ever succeed at earning your major in their field. Furthermore, they feel that you should focus all your efforts at pursuing your other major and forget about continuing on in their department.
How would you feel? What would you do? How’s your self-esteem now?
That last scenario actually happened to me in college. I was pursuing a double major in vocal and instrumental music education. 2 years into my coursework, I received a letter from the piano faculty stating that they don’t feel that I will EVER pass my piano proficiency, and that I should pursue my instrumental music education major.
I was crushed. Devastated. I moped around for a while. Depressed about it. Then I decided the faculty was doing me a favor by giving me this letter. I would be able to focus on what I COULD accomplish instead of what I would NEVER be able to accomplish. They were just helping me to see what was plain to them, and in doing so, saved me a lot of time, wasted effort, and money. I took their advice.
I know that there are people that would have told me to beat the odds and go for it…that I should redouble my efforts and take another run at it. I probably could have, but I honestly always saw myself being a band director (since the 8th grade) and that my burning desire didn’t include being both a band and choir director. What mattered is how I saw myself for who I thought I was.
How you see yourself helps determine so many things. If you see yourself as a successful person, your odds of becoming that person are great. As the late Earl Nightingale said so many times, “We become what we THINK about.” We have all heard people say things like “garbage in/garbage out” and “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” All of these concepts start in the mind as an idea, and then the mind tells the body to put it into action. So it is doubly important to know who you are as a person before all this begins. So I will ask you again….
Who are you?
How do you identify yourself? Do you identify yourself by which family you are in? By your occupation? By how many children you have? By who your spouse is? By how tall, short, skinny, fat, healthy, unhealthy, well dressed, rich, poor, athletic, smart you are? Be careful here, because how you see yourself has a strong influence in how you live your life.
- If you identify yourself by your abilities, and you suddenly lose those abilities, then what?
- If you identify yourself by your looks, and they suddenly change, then what?
- If you identify yourself by your line of work, and suddenly lose your job or your entire carreer, then what?
- If you identify yourself by how wealthy you are and suddenly lose it all, then what?
- If you identify yourself by who you are married to, and suddenly find yourself divorced, then what?
- If you have your legs cut off, are you still you?
- If you have your hands or arms cut off, are you still you?
- If you go bankrupt, are you still you?
- Is your value to your spouse, your kids, your family, your friends determined by your ability to “perform” for those people?
- If you can’t “perform” those duties, will they stop being your spouse, kids, familiy, or friends?
These are very hard questions to answer, but the answers to these questions matter! That is why it is critical to know who you are! Here are some of the ways in which I know who I am:
I am a Child of God. (John 1:12)
I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. I believe Jesus came to Earth to sacrifice his life so that my sins could be forgiven, and that he rose again 3 days later from the grave. All I had to do was accept his gift of forgiveness of my sins and his gift of eternal life with Him. By doing this, I became a Child of God. This fact will never change.
I am Carrie’s Husband.
On December 31st, 2008, I made a solumn vow to Carrie, God, and witnesses that, from this day forward, I will love, honor, and cherish Carrie until death do us part. I have this role for the rest of our life together. It is a daily persuit and comittment of mine, and I take it very seriously. I have to fulfill this on a daily basis, as I have made a solumn vow and I will keep it. This fact will never change.
I am the Father of Elizabeth, Danielle, Joshua, Hannah, and Caleb.
It is my job to be a role model for my children regardless of my feelings. I set an example regularly for them, whether it be a good one or a bad one. Even though I do not live with them (they live with their mother and Elizabeth is on her own now), I need to remember that whatever I say or do needs to be worthy of that example. I know that I do not always give them a good example, but I need to continually strive to be the best example I can be. This fact will never change. I will always be their father forever.
Every day, I strive to live my life knowing these 3 things. I try to make my decisions with these facts in mind. Do I always succeed? No. But how I think, how I act, what my career is, all these things stem from how I see myself.
How do you see yourself? Do you know who you are?
More next time,
~Tim
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Brett Favre is a Master at the game. He plays with great skill, cunning, meticulous, well-planned-out game plan, and he plays with the end result in mind.
He knows that a well-timed move gets excellent results. He knows how long to wait so that at just the right time…his play will have maximum effect.
He can look at the big picutre and can see where his team is in relation to where the other team is and seems to make the right decision MOST of the time.
He ALSO is a pretty good football quarterback, too…..
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In my day job, I work with the public. Many times I find myself engaged in conversation with people, both customers and co-workers. In these conversations, whether I am participating in them or observing them, I notice that people have a HUGE tendancy to interrupt or ignore other people in the conversation….myself included.
One book I have enjoyed reading over the years is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” In it, he includes a chapter on getting people to like you through listening to them. And yet, when I am in a public setting, I am amazed with the amount of people who don’t practice basic, fundamental conversational techniques! They just talk and talk and talk, thinking that they are somehow “influencing” other people. Many times, all they are doing is creating noise.
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Tonight I attended my oldest daughter’s high school graduation. I have attended many Commencement/Graduation ceremonies in my life. I have conducted the band at 10 of them, participated in 2 of my own, been to my siblings’ ceremonies, but never in my life have I felt so nostalgic as I did this morning when I woke up. It was such a different feeling for me.
I haven’t lived with my kids since January 2003 when their mother and I split up, so I haven’t had the influence on my kids’ lives that I would have wanted to, but I am trying to make more of an effort these days than I have in the past. I guess we all go through unpleasant things in our lives that we wish we wouldn’t have gone through, but since we have, they become a part of who we are. I do what I can, realizing that I can only do what I can with the lot I have in life right now.
Carrie and I arrived 75 minutes before the start of the ceremony tonight to make sure that we got a good seat. We saw Elizabeth briefly before the ceremony and got a couple of pictures. Then we got in to the school, got to our seat, and attended the ceremony. Pictures were taken, students were recognized, diplomas were handed out, caps were thrown in the air, helium balloon blocked people’s views, air horns were blown at inappropriate times (all air horn noises are inappropriate in my opinion…), songs were sung, speeches were given, the band played 23 verses of “Pomp and Circumstance”, and the couple in front of us always seemed to know which way to lean to block Carrie from taking pictures of Elizabeth while the choir was singing.
Elizabeth and I at her Graduation
After the ceremony, Carrie and I waited outside in the school’s parking lot for Elizabeth to come out, as it was HOT in the gym for the 2 hours we were in it. Elizabeth finally came out and we talked for quite a while. And I shared some of the things that I was thinking and feeling this morning at 5:15am about tonight’s Commencement ceremony.
I told her of the time when I had a piccolo player in my band who was so close to NOT graduating that she was meeting with her Family and Consumer Ed teacher on her last day of school to see if she was going to pass her final exam. Pass the exam and she passed the class. Pass the class and she graduated. She passed the exam.
I told her of my brother’s comment to my mom when he was done with his commencement ceremony. He came up to my (our) mom and told her, “Here you go, Mom. Here’s YOUR diploma.” He was referring to the kick in his butt that she gave him during high school.
Then I told Elizabeth this:
Elizabeth At The End Of Commencement
“There’s a REASON why they call the ceremony ‘Commencement.’ Graduation does mark the end, but more importantly, it is the BEGINNING. Commencement marks the beginning of your adult life. Never again will you get a fresh start in life. Right now you are an adult, you have no debt, you are moving to a new place and starting ALL OVER. From here on, you create your new life. This really IS a Commencement ceremony, because you are commencing with the rest of your life. It’s kind of like having a baby. When a baby is born, parents realize that it is not the end of something, but rather the BEGINNING.”
She looked a little confused by that last part, but that’s ok. She’ll understand it when the time is right.
Enjoy commencing with your adult life, Elizabeth. Make good choices, that it may go well with you. Remember, this is the BEGINNING, not the end. Never stop learning.
More another time,
Tim
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I love the old saying that says, “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” It’s a cute little cliche’, but it makes a very good point.
I frequetly share with people this concept. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Focus on the things that you CAN control. Can you control other people? For the most part, no. Can you control what other people do? No. You may have INFLUENCE on others, but you can’t control what they do. The only person you can control is….
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At the end of this past July, my wife, Carrie, and I took a 4 day trip to Niagara Falls, NY. We called it our Honeymoon, as we didn’t really have one after we got married on New Year’s Eve.
Leading up to the trip, both Carrie and I were talking with our coworkers and friends about the trip. They all had suggestions about what to see and do. Many recommended that we take the boat tour. Most asked if we were going to the Canadian side of the Falls. Some suggested that we watch the movie of the history of the Falls.
Our trip was a relatively short one. We left from work on Thursday night, July 30th and were back on Monday night, August 3rd. We decided to drive, because we wanted the time together in the car, and we wanted control of where to go and when to go there.
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My daughter, Elizabeth, has been visiting colleges lately to help her decide where she should go for her degree. I don’t always get much time to spend with her, as she does not live with me. I am divorced and remarried, and she lives with her mother. So when we talk, a lot of times it is in a car travelling to and fro.
Elizabeth has some very clear ideas on how her life will go once she gets her bachelor’s degree. I won’t detail that here, as it is not relevant to my topic. But suffice to say, she is very idealistic. She wants to make the very BEST decision in choosing the right college/university for herself. I support her in that endeavor. Earlier today, I took her to one of the local universities for a visit. Next week, I will be taking her to another university. Sometimes, though, as her father, I feel the need to give her some advice regarding the future. What she does with it is up to her, but I feel that it is my responsibility to at least tell her my thoughts.
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Word Count: 584
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Have you ever had someone come up to you, angry, and just ready to “let you have it”? In your place of work, have you ever encountered people who are upset with an issue and verbally attack you personally, even though you did not create the problem, are not part of the problem, and were not even aware of the problem 5 seconds prior to them approaching you?
As I have mentioned before, I taught school for 13 years and have been in sales professionally for 6 years. Being in these two professions for as long as I have has taught me some valuable lessons. People have problems. And as long as people have problems, people will blame others for their problems. And as long as people blame others for their problems, people will blame YOU for their problems. And yet, you did not create the problem, you were not aware of the problem, but you may have to end up solving the problem.
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As I write this, I am sitting in a hospital room, using my Blackberry as my modem, watching and listening while my daughter recovers from surgery.
Elizabeth was born with a cleft lip and palate. She has had multiple surgeries over the course of her lifetime to repair the cleft, with the first one being when she was 2 months old.
This past Tuesday, she started the final round of surgery. At the moment, she has her lips sewn shut. They will fix this part of it later this month.
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